I thought I knew grief. I’ve felt grief, walked through darkness, and healed. But this grief was entirely different. I had no idea it would take me on a different journey. There are still days that I feel the sadness and it feels fresh. I hate those days. Healing is a whole new road, it’s not the same as I’ve experienced before.
I’ve experienced the loss of a Great-Grandmother, a Grandfather, an Aunt, an Uncle, a cousin, my bonus Grammy, and friends, and miscarried our first baby. From all this, I thought I knew grief and how to handle it. But there is so much I didn’t know and am still learning today.
Two years ago in January, my brother passed away. There was a feeling of numbness for a bit. I held back my tears, my hurt, and any sadness as I tried to be strong for my Mom. I am the oldest child by 11 years and experiencing the loss of a sibling was something I honestly never thought I would experience.
For months my mind was flooded by the memories. The day he was born, I remember that day, sitting outside the delivery room and seeing him after he was born. His first birthday, his first day of school, his first t-ball game, and so many memories in between.
Sometimes I was driving and I would see someone or something that reminded me of him and the tears would flow. Or I’d be outside and the wind would blow just a certain way and my mind would immediately think of him. Oh, the time’s grief would hit me, mostly unexpectedly.
I remember crying out to God once about how this grief felt. It felt like an ocean, one minute all was calm and the next minute it was a raging storm of hurt and anger. In a moment of quiet with God when I was angry and hurt about this grief, I heard a calmness come over me. In that moment, God agreed grief is like an ocean but who calms the seas? God calms the ocean and we can feel that peace and calmness when our eyes and heart are in Him.
1. You Don’t Grieve Each Person the Same
2. Your Journey Through Grief Is Personal and Won’t Be the Same as Someone Else’s
3. Grief is Not Temporary – you will move forward in life but there are plenty of times you will still feel the hurt.
4. Grief is Like an Ocean – sometimes your emotions are calm, other times your emotions feel like a raging sea.
One thing I have learned is not to turn away from God but to lean more on Him during this time. During this time of hurt and anger, He will give comfort.
Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. Matthew 5:4
For many years I thought it was wrong to be angry at situations, and I certainly didn’t want to tell God I was angry. But God knows our feelings, He knows our thoughts, and most importantly He knows our hearts. So if I hold this anger in my heart to myself and don’t release it to God, my relationship with God can become stagnant. The way I grow closer to God is to build my relationship with Him, I share my feelings–the good and bad, just like I do in any relationship that I value. Through this, He shows me more about His love for me, and I feel more connected to Him and His word.
**This post has been in my drafts for over a year, I had half of it written but had not been able to complete it. Over this past year, there has been a lot of growth and prayer, and God continues to help me heal. I still have moments of grief that hit me out of the blue and it hurts like the first day. Lately, there has been a hymn that has been brought to my mind when I am having these tough times, that hymn is ‘It is Well’. I love hymns, I think they have such a purity and connection to the nature of God. A version of “It is Well” I truly love to play loudly and sing along to is sung by Shane and Shane from the Passion How Great is Our God, live worship from Passion 05. **
thelifewebuild.com 